Day 50

DAY 50 - Letting Go of "Shoulds" and Other Arguments with Reality (Five Minutes)

Whenever we're upset about what's happening, we're arguing with reality. Life in the form of a particular situation has already happened. It's a fact, and there's nothing we can do about it. Byron Katie says, "When we fight with life we lose, but only 100% of the time!" Our resistance to life is created by the thought, "This shouldn't be happening." This is the most common way that we cause our own suffering.

Whenever we're irritated by a situation--we're waiting in a traffic jam or someone breaks a promise--the mind tends to jump in and proclaim that this or thatshould be different: "Thereshould be more staff on the cash registers so that people don't have to wait for such a long time." "They shouldn't make a promise they can't keep." "They should have known better." "This slow car in front of me should go faster."

Notice what happens when you use the word "should." There's an immediate contraction in your body because you're resisting life, and that doesn't feel good. Your perspective narrows down to one aspect of life, the tiny sliver of the truth about a situation that's right in front of you, and you miss the whole picture, the whole truth. Seeing only the reasons why things should be different, you don't consider the possible benefits of the situation.

When we're standing in a long checkout line at the supermarket, we don't consider the possibility that the time spent waiting gives us an opportunity for quiet contemplation. The broken promise gives us a chance to learn discernment: seeing whom we can depend on. By remembering how it felt when we made a promise that we didn't keep, we're able to sidestep judgment and learn compassion and forgiveness instead. When you come face to face with an unwanted situation:

1. Look at the potential benefit that comes with this new development. You don't have to jump right into the downside or what you thinkshould be happening instead, as you might have done in the past. Considering the benefit eliminates the reaction altogether. It may take a lot of practice to get to this point. After all, you've had many years of arguing with reality.

2. Recognize that your conditioning is coming up and say, "Oh that's just my conditioning coming up." This noticing helps you dis-identify with your negative story and let it go. If you're quick enough, you'll notice and dis-identify with it before any reaction is felt in your body!

3. If you miss your chance in #2, notice and acknowledge that you've been triggered. You can say something like, "Wow, I've really been triggered" or "I'm really in reaction." Noticing and telling yourself the truth brings you back to the present moment and takes you out of the story your mind is telling you about the situation. It extracts you from the argument you are having with life and enables you to bring your attention to the sensations in your body.

4. Be gentle with yourself and let it be okay that you're in reaction. Ironically, this will move you into acceptance! Once you're in acceptance, no matter where you find it, even if you find it in accepting your own resistance, this will take you back to Essence!

   
   

   THe above statements take time to think about I am trying hard not to use food as a way out when stressed or angry but the past week that has not been the case, or at least I have not been able to control it.

   
   

   I need to be better, I need to be firm with a food log and I need to stop nibbliing

   
   

   I have managed to stop myself eating at parties and hovering over the dinner table.

   
   

   So that is good!!

I will be traveling from today but will update when I can!!

Day 49

Chapter Summary

• Many of us go "zombie" when we're eating.

• Nibbling calories count.

• Nibbling while doing other things is not very satisfying because you can't fully experience eating or whatever else you're doing because your attention is divided.

• Most people have a skewed idea about the size of the portion they can eat and still remain at their desired weight.

• The "jeans test" is unreliable.

• The bathroom scale is your friend again.

• Hunger is your friend.

• If people let themselves get hunger a few times every day, it would end the obesity problem in this country.

• Hunger is not a reliable gauge for when to stop eating.

• Any diet will work as long as you are consuming fewer calories than you're using.

To Do List

Check off any tasks you've been able to complete. Remember, you don't have to be perfect at these tasks before checking the boxes. Tick them off the list if you've made some strides or attempts. Even if you've only practiced something once, tick it. Remember, these behaviors are new and may take quite a long time to take hold. You've reinforced your old habits for years, so be gentle and patient with yourself as you establish new behaviors.

• I was able to just eat rather than doing other things at the same time.

• I sat down to eat.

• I avoided nibbling.

• I put my fork down in between bites or walked around during a meal to interrupt my automatic food shoveling.

• I used the Food Log to plan. I wrote down my food for the next day.

• Using the Food Log, I checked the foods that I actually ate and added any additional foods that I hadn't planned on eating (including nibbles).

• If I deviated from the plan, I didn't beat myself up.

• I controlled my portion sizes.

• I've been weighing myself regularly to help me manage my weight.

• I wrote down my fears about hunger and took them to inquiry.

• I've been waiting until my tummy is talking to me before eating.

• I would like to lose weight, and I have been cutting out 500 calories per day.
  

  
  

  So I need to focus on the steps above which is unhighlighted and even though I am going on vacation, I need to stay in control! This is hard.

Day 47 - Food log

As mentioned earlier I will be charting my food log on my ww ap for my iphone, it is the easiest thing for me to do!

here's hoping a the end of my travels I will not have gained weight and that I feel powerful from making good positive choices and not being weak and letting the child from within out!!

Day 46 - comitting to a plan

So committing to a plan is definitely the right next step for m, I feel I am learning a lot but still need to loose some weight.

I am sticking with the weight watchers program as it works well for me and I can make healthy choices!

Just before you travel is never a good time to start but I dont want to wait till I get back i can track my foods on my iphone and make sure I stay on track while I travel,

Just got to make sure I limit those alco-pops!!

I am in a really good groove with exercising and I have been enjoying it more than I thought possible so that is a good thing, i feel like my mid is strong and feeling positive!!

Day 45 - losing weight step 2

So Laura recommends the following

In the Skinny Thinking approach, I advocate changing your diet rather than going on a diet. Changing your diet means eating healthy food and managing portion size. You can either eyeball your portions (if you know what already know how much you can eat to either lose or maintain your weight) or count calories.

If you eat healthfully, the way you plan to eat for the rest of your life, and just cut back a few hundred calories per day, you will lose weight slowly and change your eating habits over a long period of time. This increases your chances of making these changes permanent rather than temporary. What's the hurry? You have the rest of your life to shed your excess weight. It's our impatience--the desire for a large, rapid weight loss--that's kicked us under the bus in the past. Don't go there this time!

Current research shows that losing weight the old fashioned way, by counting calories, works. It's a simple concept based on calories in and calories out. You decrease the food calories you take in until they are less than the calories you expend during the day. Remember, if you don't know about calories, pick up a pocket guide at the supermarket or simply search the internet for the calories of the food you want.

Then reduce your calorie intake below your daily maintenance requirement. Many website calculators will help you figure that out. I used:

http://www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm.

I am going to get back and try to "calorie count" and see how that takes me forward on the program.

I am reaching a vunlerable time, I am about to travel on vacation for 3 weeks and that is when I will be at my weakest, tired hungry and with peer pressure I crumble so I will need every reserve to ensure I stay on the program and not let my self go. This is a challenge but one I must win

Day 44 - weighing

Laura, talks about weighing yourself today, she recommends once a week, that is probably a good starting point.

I used to be obsessively weighing myself every day multiple times but now I have pretty much lost interest instead of weighing every day, I am weighing myself once a week.

I have not tried to cut out any calories, but probably should, but to start with i was just trying to control my eating and snacking.

Day 42 - hunger sensations

So today the challenge was to not eat till you are hungry ie getting body signs then wait 30 mins to 1 hr to see what happens,

Currently I held off having breakfast and my tummy started to rumble, I ignored it and now 45 mins later the hunger pains are lengthening, I am going now to eat some breakfast and i will feed back later

Record you experience of hunger. Compare the actual experience of hunger to your beliefs about it. Were your beliefs accurate? Was being hungry horribly uncomfortable?

Beliefs:

If I at a meal before I get the hunger pains then I will eat less at lunch and it will carry me through

Actual Experience: It showed I could wait till I had the pains and when i felt read feed myself with no more than I would have had earlier

day 41 - hunger

So we have been on this path for a few weeks now and I must admit the last few days I have been struggling a bit, a few added stresses and suddenly I am making the same old poor choices again.

Yes Mcdonalds and those Salt and vinegar crisps are indeed comforting me in the best way they know how - but giving me a few extra inches. I feel pathetic and week but the past 2 days I have been much better at portion sizes and I am back "meal planning" again.

So moving on

DAY 41 - Listing Your Fears and Beliefs About Hunger

1. What's the worst that will happen if you let yourself get hungry?

   I get bad tempered or agitated a little, I feel embarrassed as my stomach is making noises

2. What will happen to your body if you let it get hungry?

   I eat fast food, I binge eat, I feel regretful

   I try to stop myself by eating something little so counteract the hunger and then I dont act irrationally

day 39

I am managing to keep track and enjoy my food today.

It also forces me to take time for myself, out from the busy working day!!

Day 38 - eating when you are eating??

DAYS 38 Eating When You're Eating - that sounds confusing!!!

It isnt really what Laura talks about is making sure when you eat you are focusing 100% on what you are doing, how you look a the food chew the food and mostly enjoy the food.

I used to gulp down food and hardly get any pleasure in it, now I am definitely savoring it more and I must admit finding pleasure in foods I used to avoid!!

Day 37 - portion sizes

Today laura is talking about portion sizes !

This is huge for me because I really believe a lot of my problems stem from large portions

Portion size. Become aware of how much food you're putting on your plate. Is it a reasonable amount? Many of us are used to eating portions that are much larger than we need. Here are some rules of thumb:

• A normal portion of protein is the size of your closed fist.

• Fill your plate this way:

• One quarter of your plate for protein,

• One quarter of your plate for grains, and

• Half of your plate for vegetables.

For Breakfast:

• Did you eat reasonable portion size of protein? YES

• Did you eat a reasonable size of fruits or vegetables?_YES fruit

• Did you eat a reasonable portion of grains?_NO

For Lunch:

• Did you eat reasonable portion size of protein?_yEs

• Did you eat a reasonable size of vegetables?_no

• Did you eat a reasonable portion of grains?__yes_

For Dinner:

• Did you eat reasonable portion size of protein?__yes

• Did you eat a reasonable size of vegetables?___no

• Did you eat a reasonable portion of grains?___yes

  
  

  I definitely need to focus on getting more veggies into me, I am always a little reluctant with that and I have started eating off smaller plates!!

  
  

Day 36 - bringing awareness

So laura suggests bringing awareness to your food and finding out exactly what food means to you!

She suggests the following

1. Ask for help. Set the intention and ask for help in bringing awareness to your eating. Be prepared for insights to arise. When they do write them down in the space below.

   
   

   I ask for help but then get bad tempered if I am doing something naughty as I feel like I have "been caught out like a cheating naughty school girl"

   I continue to remind my family to make a sign if they think I am making poor choices!

2. As you go through your day, notice your eating triggers and record them in the space below. How does eating happen for you? How do you decide when and what to eat? Start to notice your eating triggers. What are the emotions and thoughts that send you racing toward the fridge? When you're bored, is your first impulse to get some food? Your thoughts. What are you thinking about? Are you anxious about paying your bills? Are you replaying an uncomfortable conversation from earlier in the day? Your feelings. What are you feeling? Are you stressed, anxious, angry, or fearful? Does the life you're living suit you? Are you doing what you love to do? If your overall choices aren't right for you, you're going to feel depressed, and that depression will fuel your food issues.

   
   

   Stress, tiredness and boredom are definitely my triggers

3. Appreciate yourself for completing this exercise.

   
   

   I appreciate still being here 36 days later

Day 35 - nibbling

OK, so i am a nibbler - sometimes,

I can if I dont take 1 thing resist quite easily but as soon as I give in i cant stop. Yesterday and today I have been particularly bad.

Here is Laura's suggestions

There's an unspoken rule that "nibbling calories" don't count. You can eat a lot of food when you're not paying attention.

One of the tricks of the Pleasure-Seeking Child is the belief that if you're not paying attention, it doesn't count. It's denial. But to the body, it counts. The body notices, and to it, nibbling calories count like any others.

I got into the habit of eating and talking on the phone or cooking. I spend a lot of time on the phone for work, and since I work from home and do most of the cooking in our family, I'm constantly in the kitchen, I'm always on the phone, and I'm always cooking.

The other thing about nibbling was that it robbed me of eating pleasure! Because my attention was elsewhere, I couldn't completely enjoy the food or focus on my phone conversation or cooking because my attention was divided, and that was unsatisfying. To overcome this habit, I had to make a rule: nibbling and cooking, and nibbling and the phone don't go together.

I also decided to eat only when I was sitting down and put my food on a plate. At first, being used to nibbling, I would constantly catch myself reaching for a bite. Sometimes I would catch myself before the nibble crossed my lips and sometimes not. Slowly but surely, the old habit gave way to the new one.

Today, make a pact with yourself not to nibble. Any time you want to eat something, park your rear end in a chair and put the food on a plate. Continue you this non-nibbling practice for life.

Checklist

• I didn't nibble today.

• I put all my food on a plate and ate sitting down.

• I wasn't able to avoid nibbling so I tried again the next day and the next day after that until I was able to go an entire day without nibbling.

Day 34 - Slowing down!!

DAY 34 - Slowing Down

So eating food fast is always a problem for me so todays session is very relevant. I know I eat to quickly and i know I dont chew my food but to I concentrate - NO!!

I really need to focus on this and make mealtimes a special time not a rush job that I have no time for, below laura suggests some steps, I will start tonight to put them into practice!!

Checklist

• I put my fork down in between bites.

• I put my fork down for at least a minute at least twice during the meal. Instead I focused on the conversation at the table. I listened to someone else without taking up the slack by eating.

• I got up and walked around to create a break in my eating action.

• I chewed my drink.

• I drank my food.

• Congratulate yourself for making a change in your routine.

  
  

Day 33 Summary

Making it through the first step has not been too hard but that doesn't mean I haven't slipped up once in a while, but I can assure you my days (so far) of binge eating salt and vinegar crisps and Mcdonalds mini meals are long gone!

I have not yet got bored and i am currently for breakfast having some nice fruit before I head out to the zoo!!

Keeping myself occupied has been an important factor in stopping me eating and in a strange way, doing this progam has also encouraged me to look into myself and try and "heal" my broken parts - ie the parts that cause the emotion to eat!!

To Do List

Color the tasks you've completed:

• I created a list of Pleasure Foods.

• I asked myself the following questions about each one:

• Does the prospect of eating this food make me feel giddy?

• Does it have little or no nutritional value?

• Can I stop eating this? Am I satisfied with eating one bite or does this food always leave me wanting more?

• Do I feel out of control around it?

• If I answered "yes" to any of those questions, I limited or eliminated the food.

• I handled food addictions by either:

• Finding a strategy I could stick to, or

• Eliminating the food for good.

• I limited or eliminated a junk food.

• I limited or eliminated most junk food.

• I made a list of foods that are no longer in my life.

• Most of my calories now come from healthy, nutritious, whole foods that are grown.

day 32 - moving on

I am really trying to change everything about the way I look at food.

I was at a party yesterday and I just went to the food table once - no popping back and forth for new things - its a start!! I am normally hopeless at that.

I did have to ask my family to try and stop me if I approached the table too often - or basically if I was hanging out at the table the whole time.

I skipped the alcohol and I swam!!

Now I am headed out to try and run - first time since I got sick - then to build our new trampoline

Day 31 - Inquiry (again)

So laura wants us to inquire about the beliefs again we have in foods but to be honest i don't have any.

I know the foods I eat are bad for me and am not dreaming but I am talking for these days about my thinking behind my action.

Yesterday i talked about me believing that after I have done a run, or something good such as eating right I deserved a treat - like a burger or fries etc etc.

Today I am talking about how I believe salt and vinegar crisps (chips - yes they are my obsession), cheer me up when I am down.

Did you really think there was a little person in there and every time I eat a crisp he does a little dance - if only.

The only thing that happens to me when i eat salt and vinegar chips is get an upset stomach - pain and diarrhoea and gain weigh. Not so funny and comforting now is it!!

I have set myself a challenge this week. My family have been moaning as I have not bought them "treat food" and despite me trying to get them to follow the plan too, they dont want to so I bought them treat including my favourite crisps. So lets see if I can resist them.

If I pass, I will book myself into Stellar Spa for a lovely hot stone Massage!!

Day 30 Inquiry

Rather than a fod I decided to inquire about a "belief or more correctly an "action"

List a Disturbing Belief About an action that you would do before the program

If you eat healthy foods you get to treat yourself to fatty foods

1. Can I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is true?_This is untrue

2. What is the opposite of this belief? Do dont reward yourself with food treats

Could this new belief be as true or truer than your original belief? What is your evidence? List three reasons or pieces of evidence for this:

This is pretty obvious, celebrate your good eating but treat yourself with some alone time, a walk, massage or go on - give yourself a pat on the back

Day 29 - negative belief's

DAY 29 - Uncovering Negative Beliefs About Eating Mostly Nutritious Foods

• I feel L let people down if I don't eat the food they offer

What It Means to Others (Friends, Family, Colleagues)

• Others will judge me as:

• A party pooper--no fun to be around

• Jealous

My friends/family generally do not say negative things too me, occasionally they will encourage me to disregard the program I am on (go on treat yourself ) they are trying to encourage the child to come out. Also occasionally they will say I am a party pooper but I just ignore that cause they don't mean it nastily!!

What It Means About How I Live My Life

My eating for me is that

• I'll be miserable living without the pleasure I get from my favorite foods.

• I won't have any pleasure in my life.

• I'll stop socializing because people will be uncomfortable that I'm no longer using eating as entertainment.

  
  

  I have seen food as pleasure and until I am comfortable with my food choices I will try to avoid using food as entertainment more than once a week.

  Negative Beliefs About Eating Mostly Nutritious Foods

  What It Means About My Character

  It shows me I am weak as I make poor eating choices when under pressure

  
  
  

  What It Means About How this Body Processes Food

  My body holds tight onto all the bad food I eat making me fat, if I was taller I wouldnt be so fat (or so I thought)
  
  

  What It Means to Others (family, friends, colleagues). How Do I Think They're Judging Me?

  I think people see me as fat, greedy and a huge over eater - but are they really saying that - I do not think so!

  
  
  

  What It Means About How I Live My Life

  MY negative choices in food make me miserable and I have to change what I am doing
  
  

  What It Means About My Ability to Be in Relationships

  I am a determined person and my relationship suffers only in the fact I don't like eating out as much and want to eat at home more. I used to be a little moody about my food choices but now I am actually feeling like i have been "freed" to make the right choices

  
  

Day 28 - To Moderate or Eliminate - that is the question

so this subject is the one I have been dreading

DAY 28 - Foods to Moderate or Eliminate (Five Minutes)

1. Decide which foods to moderate (make a rule about that you can stick to)

This is tricky because you have to be "honest" but also by moderating can I ensure it remains "moderated"

2. Eliminate foods you haven't been able to moderate.

Salt and Vinegar Chips/crisps

Pizza

3. Create a rule for a food that you want to moderate

No more than once a week for french fries

4. Actually eliminate a food (or two or three). Trust me. You can do this and you'll be amazed how easy it is and feel compelled to thank me and send me expensive gifts afterwards!

Chips (not including tortilla chips)

Pizza

Chocolate

white bread

Baguette

Day 27

Still going strong, haven't weakened too much, ate some salt and vinegar chips today as a "treat" ended up with intense abdominal cramps and frequent toilet visits.

My clothes are fitting well, I have been able to not take in too much alcohol either - yippee

Wish I could do more exercise but my head is still so congested and painful, I managed some push up's and sit ups and 2 short walks.

baby steps every little helps. Feels like ages since I went to Mc Donalds and ate something - well done ME!!

I am also trying to figure out other things in my life that make me unhappy and try to fix them, when i am happy my eating is always happy!!

Day 26 Identifying the voices of critic and child

today Laura is taking about 2 things,

The child - who convinces you that it is ok to eat all those lovely foods you dream of and tells you how much you deserve it, it wont hurt you go on!!

The Critic - tells you how awful you have been when you over eat, gain weight, you will remain lonely and fat

What we need to realize is that during this process of relearning both of the instances above will appear. This weekend for me was a prime example of just that. I had 2 birthday parties one on saturday and one on sunday, the saturday one I was eating chips and dip - they were yummy (now I knew I shouldn't do this but I would definitely not eat the pizza), however the parents ordered a lot of pizza - I felt guilty I was not eating so i ate a slice. I felt bad I hated myself for letting myself down - what a disappointment I am to myself all my hard work. Well I wanted to do better on the sunday party! I have so much determination but around food I can crumble on the sunday I decided to just eat the one slice of pizza and that is what i did. No cake no snacks no alcohol. So although I ate something hardly good for you I negotiated with myself that slice of pizza was my lunch and I had nothing else!

I am no hero, at times I am a bit of a failure but I always know there is room for improvement!! I am trying very hard and know the decisions at the birthday parties will also become easier to resist without that "guilt" feeling

Day 25 - list your comfort foods

If you have been reading my blog from the beginning you know that I struggle with the following foods I use as comfort foods

Salt and Vinegar crisps,

Mc Donalds Cheese burgers

Mc Donalds fries

Anyone else's fries

wine

and when I am at a party I find it hard to say no to any type of food even when I don't even like what is offered.

day 24 - reviewing what we have learned

Today was a review session about what we have learned and how to control our eating.

I have been incredible good at following the program the past few weeks but I did lapse a little today after work and it was at a party so that is something i need to work on - lets see if I can do better at tomorrow's party.

I am back feeling poorly again and that is very disapointing, i really hope I feel better fully soon, the sun is here and it is shorts and bikini weather!!

Day 23 -

Today I read about the chance of backsliding and yo yo dieting, having been there i really hope not to do too much back sliding but some slip ups are to be expected at times.

I really want to be done with the yo yo dieting,

My health depends on me making positive changes, I do not ant to have type 2 diabetes diagnosed in the next 5 - 10 years, I want to beat those odds honestly with a good diet and exercise regime.

A little hard work never killed anyone and when i set my mind to something I can achieve it.

Having been sick it is hard to tell if my lack of interest in food is due to me being ill or really because I have cut down my intake, no snacking for me - hurray!! I guess only time will tell.

Another weekend approaches and that is my worst time, but i have already bought my 2 salads for saturday and sunday so I just have to make sure I eat them and do not revert to junk fast food!!

Day 22 - Uncovering your relationship with food

DAY 22 - Uncovering Your Relationship with Food (30 Seconds)

Here are some common ways to view food.

Highlight the role(s) that food plays in your life:

I see food as...

• Reward

• Entertainment

• Fulfillment

• Excitement

• Enemy

• Temptation

• Lover

• Companion

• Loyal best friend

Food has come to mean so much more than fuel that keeps our body running. Unconsciously, we imbue food with the power to fill many physical and emotional needs. It becomes our savior, nurturer, friend, and lover, who is always available, never lets us down, never puts us down, and never says no. Epitomizing fidelity, no matter what is happening in our lives, whether we feel on top of the world or down in the dumps, food is there to keep us company. For the fleeting moment it spends in our mouth, our favorite food always delivers.

I need to stop seeing food as a the above purple highlighted areas and start seeing it as a means of fuel, as i have said before, I am making big changes but at the moment it is still very 'concious" hopefully over time those decisions will become more "normal" for me!

Wednesday June 2nd (day 21) STOP ROMANCING and Dieting

I have really been focusing on my new program as a way of life and NOT as a diet, Laura highlights this in todays thought!! Ways that I think I have been acting is - not weighing myself every 5 minutes, not telling people I am dieting, thinking about my choices and trying to learn from my mistakes.

I have done the diet thing and I know it is a short term cure, I need to heal my whole body and mental thinking and all the bad habits I have been doing for the past 20 years. One good thought is I have been able to resist Mc Donalds, cant remember the last time I was in the restaurant and although my family ate it last night i only pinched about 10 fries! THAT IS HUGE FOR ME (we all have our individual vices and Mc D's is mine)

So here is our thought for today

DAY 21 - Practice Eliminating Romantic Thinking and Going on a Thought Diet (Five Seconds)

Relating to food by romanticizing it is one of the reasons we have issues with our weight. We can change this dysfunctional relationship with food by learning to think about it in a different way, and that is to not think about it or think about it pragmatically. Being pragmatic about food means using the mind to decide what to have for lunch based on what and how much the body needs nutritionally. That's how the Wise Witness uses the mind to think about food.

This is radically different from how the egoic mind (the mind that's run by conditioning and the Child) thinks about it. The ego's thoughts are imbued with romance, fantasies, dreams, imaginings, and feelings about food.

Thinking about food in a romantic way may have become so ingrained that we aren't even aware of it. This is a big part of the problem. Once we see this, we can take the next step: not imagining what a food would taste like and not thinking about food romantically anymore. If we stop thinking about food romantically, our relationship with food will change and so will our weight.

I definitely have craved and romanticized about food and then treated me to a special food for doing something good or having a hard day. I am not doing that now haven't in a while (at least 21 days), continuing to see this as an amazing personal development! It is definitely getting easier to resist the foods I should not be eating and I am openly discussing my feelings about food with my husband and son!

Tuesday June 1st - Moaning Tuesday, day 20

Yesterday I had a terrible day mentally, it all started with not fitting my summer clothes and spiraled very quickly after that and I even did indulge my self with some food, but I rationed myself to make myself feel better and I didn't go back for more. It seem silly that 1 thing can be a problem and at your weakest moment everything else bothering you for weeks comes flying out.

I guess thats life but after a few tears and a "feeling sorry for myself kind of a day"I came to some conclusions. I do need to start feeling more in control of my life and doing things for myself not just for my husband and son, to heal the "whole" me I need to heal the parts in me that are sad or broken and fix them and that includes my eating. I still don't feel I deserve to be the size I am and I don't believe my eating is the whole thing (I don't eat that much I really don't) but it must be and to heal I need to start wholeheartedly believing that.

For now I need to figure out how I can start making changes in my life too, things i am considering is a bike ride or walk after my husband gets home, a full time job (yes believe it or not a regular job does life my spirits). The past 4 months all I feel I have been utilized for is being a "volunteer" not that I am "volunteering, all this stuff is "mandatory" how the hell can you "mandatory Volunteer" - it beats me I have no clue, so as well as driving your very active kid to 14 hours of activities per week and all the volunteer work I am expected to do - there really does leave no time for me to do anything pleasurable except feel sad, bitter and alone.

That said, I am very good at giving myself a kick up the pants to get back on track and that I will do and the good thing is despite how sad and miserable I was I did only eat 1oz of salt and vinegar crisps (chips), it could have been a lot worse.

Now to focus and get back on track and wait for my email from laura

DAY 20 - Remember Where Impractical Thoughts About Food Come From (Five Seconds)

Another way to stop thinking about food when you're not hungry is to remember where impractical thoughts about food come from. If you're thinking about food when you're not hungry, that's the Child looking to have some fun. Just noticing this and not following these fantasies about food will eventually break this habit, and those thoughts will arise less and less. But don't be discouraged if, in the beginning, your noticing is still followed by eating. The pattern of following your thoughts into the kitchen may be very entrenched. Fortunately, if you're patient and vigilant, eventually noticing your fantasies about food will lead to ignoring them.

I still find myself thinking of food a lot, be it the food thought for preparation for dinner or just cause i am thinking what I can eat. My mind often wanders to food. Now let me be clear just because it wanders does not mean that I go eat, I don't but it would be nice if I didn't always think about food!!

Monday May 31st - Getting Engaged!

So Laura has been talking about "getting engaged" for todays 5 minute thoughtDAY 19 - Get Engaged in What You're Doing (Five Seconds)Have you ever noticed that you don't tend to get hungry when you're busy, and then, when you start thinking about food, suddenly you want it? There's a fundamental relationship between thinking about food and eating. When we're craving food even when we aren't hungry, it's likely that we're bored or trying to avoid something we don't want to do. We're probably looking for a way to distract ourselves from the resistance we're feeling and the negative, or stressful, thoughts that go along with that. These thoughts create uncomfortable feelings and rather than sit with these feelings until they dissipate, we often head to the refrigerator to try change our experience. Yet, when something happens that needs our immediate attention, food is the farthest thing from our mind. If our house is on fire, trust me, you won't be thinking about eating the leftover pizza.

This is exactly what I was doing this morning, I have been tidying up the house (isnt it amazing how trashed it becomes when you are not there to pick up and tidy after everyone) and I had banana's go brown so i made banana muffins for breakfast.

I certainly havent thought about food at all, I have thought about lying down as I am exhausted but the tidying keeps me going - nearly done.

Today has been a hard day as I wrestle with my clothes trying to find something to fit, unfortunately a sad reality of my winter eating habits. I know sitting crying doesn't help but I feel so frustrated at times and so utterly disappointed in my self, I have been unhappy for so long now I hardly remember a day when I just enjoyed myself and my size is a result of all those issues in my head. I really hope next summer I am not dealing with the same demons, I am done already!!

Diversion for me is a great way of keeping me away from food and staying out the house or working are ways of doing that!!

Happy Mermorial day - go do something engaging

Day 18 - Feed ME (your soul not your stomach)

So today I share with you some news, yesterday for the first time ever I had a burger - with no bun and no fries - is that possible?? It is with some skinny thinking and clever choices!

I ate a lovely gourmet burger with healthy toppings such as raw cucumber and pineapple and deliberately chopped it slowly so I could savour every bite, and I did enjoy it. My appetite hasnt been good since got sick but that is a good start with making a choice but trying to put a skinny thinking twist to it.

I also stepped on that scale and I am down 2lb which isnt a huge amount but I am happy with that but I am down an amazing 5 inches from my waist - now that is something I am very happy with, changing the size of me is far more important than numbers on a scale.

So as you can see I am trying to make some skinny thinking changes for real, I am indeed carrying the thought with me at all times, but hopefully over time my decisions will be subconscious rather than a compromise, I did not miss that bun or those fries yesterday so to me, that was a great WIN!

Have you done anything lately to make yourself feel empowered??

So onto todays lesson from Laura

DAY 18 - Feeding Your Soul Instead of Your Stomach (Five Minutes)

Just because feelings and thoughts enter our awareness, doesn't mean we have to act on them--we can just notice them. This is freedom. Being aware of thoughts and feelings, rather than identifying with them and acting on them, is a huge leap forward in making peace with eating, weight, and our bodies. Yet, if we're giving up our current egoic relationship with food, going to food for comfort to avoid experiencing uncomfortable feelings, we need a new relationship with something else to replace it. Where will we find comfort, pleasure, and relief? How do we do this? It's simple. We begin to feed our souls more by forming a relationship with something that's always available to us and infinitely more satisfying--our true self.

We're always being fed from our deepest self. Recognizing and acknowledging this helps us to heal and grow. When an unpleasant emotion arises, notice it, allow it to be, and then ask to receive insights and healing. Ultimately, freedom from any issues we have around food is about becoming more established in our true self. To do that, we need to be quiet, listen, and not be in a lifestyle that's so busy and stressful that we're constantly getting lost in thoughts, emotions, and doing.

If you're not physically hungry, but you feel the urge to experience some pleasure from food, and you don't want to follow that urge, you can move into the heart. Try the following exercise to move from your head to your heart:

Exercise:Imagine yourself moving from your head (the ego's world of thoughts, emotions, and cravings) into the space of the heart (the world of Essence). You are floating downward into a delicious, peaceful, joyous space of freedom: the velvety black cave of the heart. It is a restful place of ease, where nothing is required of you, a place free from the stresses and problems of daily life. Simply rest there for 5-10 minutes and recharge your batteries. Pick a certain time each day to devote to this practice.

I have also taken up reading and crocheting to stop me feeding my stomach

Day 17 - Mental kung fu

Laura suggests finding a couple of kung fu's and work on them to "resist temptation" she also suggests practicing and remember it took her nearly a year to combat her cravings,

For me the ones that "stick out" as favourites are "Am I hungry - the cottage cheese test" Kung fu #18 - for me stopping and thinking about that often counteracts some of my bad behaviour

#14 Inquire - why are you upset, figure the problem rather than reach for food

and for everything I do support the never even try one philosophy and KEEP out of the kitchen!!

I peeked into my suitcase full of my "thin person clothes" they are so lovely i can't wait to wear them again!

Day 16

So we are at day 16, yesterday I was chatting with my friends in the playground and I started talking about the skinny thinking philosophy. I described how difficult it was to control my eating with things such and Mcdonalds and bags of chips, I have no problem resisiting cheeses/desserts and I don't hit any other fast food joints.

I must admit I got quite jealous as one person said they would eat a whole bag of chip - this person is tall and very skinny - why couldn't that be me, why are my genes the way they are, it is frustrating at times, how can we complain about the same thing but yet have totally different bodies. Having yoyo dieted in the past and now with Skinny thinking I am really beginning to learn a lot about my body and discovering that it doesn't need half as much to eat than I think it does, again I am still sick and have virtually eaten nothing for days but I am certainly not wasting away and haven't even had the urge to eat from signs like a rumbling tummy!! If you took a peek into my fridge now and remember what was in there 18 days ago, there are changes, more fresh vegetables and fruit as now if I want to snack I snack on a carrot or some edenames, and for lunch or dinner I add some fresh berries to my salad. So what i am trying to say is making small changes can make a big deal of difference in ways you never imagine, I was not subconsciously shopping for those things, I just bought them unconsciously and have been changing my diet little by little - hopefully for the better!!

Here are some more Kung fu's

Powerful Kung Fu #16: Not Now--Maybe Later

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!

2. Recognize that the Child is on the scene and talk to her the way you would talk to a child who is pestering you about getting something that you don't want to give her right now. Tell her, "Not now--maybe later."

Powerful Kung Fu #17: Just This Once...

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!

2. Rather than treading the well-worn path of self-soothing through food, try something different just this once. Don't give in to the usual urge--for now. You can always decide to do that later, if that's what you want, but for now, move out of the kitchen.

Powerful Kung Fu #18: Am I Hungry?
(The Cottage Cheese Test)

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!

2. Ask yourself if you are physically hungry. This is different than just wanting to taste something nice. One of my workshop participants uses what she calls "the cottage cheese test." She likes cottage cheese, but the only time she actually wants to eat it is when she's truly hungry. If she could eat cottage cheese, she knows she's hungry. If she couldn't eat cottage cheese and she wants to eat something, she knows that she's not physically hungry and something else is going on. If you answer no when you ask yourself if you're physically hungry, ask yourself, "What's going on that's causing me to want to move toward food when I'm not hungry?"

Powerful Kung Fu #19: Seeing the Benefit

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!

2. When something is happening that you didn't anticipate or don't like, ask yourself if any good could come of it. Does it bring a new opportunity for growth? Can I bust a misperception or glean a truth that I'd overlooked? Even though this situation doesn't fit my picture of what I thought I wanted, how can I use it to create more freedom and happiness?

There is an opportunity in every apparent misfortune. Life is here to serve our freedom and help us deepen in love. Our job is to pay attention. If we can live from this understanding about life and look for benefit and opportunity in every circumstance, not only will we be happier, but shift out of egoic consciousness and abide in our natural state of freedom and joy. If we're unhappy with how life is unfolding, it just means that we haven't seen the opportunity yet. So take a moment to contemplate. What is the benefit in this situation? What give does it have to offer me?

Powerful Kung Fu #20: "I AM" Breathing

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!

2. I AM Breathin

Day 15 -

I must admit that I thought by now I would be lapsing back to my old way of eating. Since starting the 91 day challenge, I have not weighed myself and only had a few minor lapses!

I am choosing not to see this as a diet but as a way of life which is why i am not obsessing over the scales 100 times a day! I also don't think I have lost any weight but if I stick to the regime, I believe my body will become healthier and i will eventually loose some size. I need to stick with this and see it through!

I know I can, I am sure I can, I am ready to see some positive changes in my attitude towards food as my friend!

Day 14 - The 3rd king fu's

So still not feeling very well, but last night was interesting, I awakened and went to get a drink and reached for and ate 2 cherry tomatoes that was my reflext, normally it would be chips or m & m's

well done me!!

Today read the next seven Kung Fu. As you read, imagine putting each one into practice when a food craving or emotional eating attack strikes. Notice if any of them speak to you and circle it.

Powerful Kung Fu #11: Pick a "9" or "10"

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!

2. Pick a "9" or "10" from your Pleasure Scale list. Take a break from whatever was causing your hand to reach for food and do something you love instead.

Powerful Kung Fu #12: I Do that, Too

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!

2. If you're angry or feel hurt because someone did something you didn't like, remember a time that you did or said the same sort of thing and forgive that person. It's hard to stay angry at someone when we find the same failing in ourselves. To keep yourself from stuffing the feeling with food and heal instead, see your own failing, and forgive yourself and the other person.

Powerful Kung Fu #13: Dis-identify with the Stressful Thought

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!

2. Ask yourself, "What stressful thought am I believing right now?" or "What story am I in?" Wait for the answer.

3. When the answer comes, ask yourself, "What is noticing this belief?" This is a powerful question because it helps you dis-identify with the thought.

4. Say to yourself, "Oh, thank goodness, it's just a stressful belief--it's not me. It couldn't be me because I'm over here, noticing it."
   
   

Powerful Kung Fu #14: Inquire

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!

2. Notice that you're upset and address the upset directly using inquiry. Do this by asking yourself, "What story am I telling myself that's causing me to feel this way right now? What am I believing?"

3. When you discover the belief, take it to inquiry by asking the following questions:

• Can I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this belief is true? Even if you believe that it's true, go on to the next question.

• What is the opposite of this belief? Could that be as true or truer? Come up with evidence to support the opposite belief. If the opposite of the belief is also true, perhaps the original negative belief isn't true after all! This discovery helps you to stop believing the stressful thought.

Powerful Kung Fu #15: Think Something Positive Instead

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!

2. Replace the negative thought that's generating the feeling with a positive one. For example, replace "Nothing's going right today." with "Everything's going right today." Then come up with evidence to support the positive thought. This kung fu can be a bit of a slippery slope because it does keep you in the realm of thought, and when you're in thought, it's easy to go back to spinning a negative story and feeding the feeling again.

So I have continued to feel very poorly so am actually managing to resist food very well, with no appetite, i usually just end up eating a ton of food for that feeling to "feel better' but working through the skinny thinking book this has helped me to realise that my healing will not happen from eating fast food or anything to give me that "comfort feeling"

So my comfort feeling is from a movie or from the duvet that i snuggle up with....

Day 13 - the second lot of Kung fu's

So how is everything going for me now we are at day 13, wow that is almost 2 weeks.

well the past 4 days I have been really sick but also I have not been reaching for that snack comfort food which i usually do when i am ill but instead just keeping hydrated.

I was disappointed as i wanted to try out my will power at a couple of parties this weekend, because I still don't trust my judgement around food, no matter how much you want something, it doesn't necessarily happen the way you want!! Lets face it I am the size I am because I followed my feelings instead of my head!!

I am however still feeling positive and looking forward to the email with todays challenges

DAY 13 - The Second Six Kung Fu for Cravings and Emotional Eating (Five Minutes)

Today read the next five Kung Fu. Imagine putting each one into practice when a food craving or emotional eating attack strikes. If any of them speak to you and seem easy to put into practice, circle it.

Powerful Kung Fu #6: The Mosquito Flick

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!
2. Notice that an impractical food thought is on the scene and imagine flicking it away, the same way you would flick away an annoying mosquito.

Powerful Kung Fu #7: Notice that the Child Is on the Scene

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!
2. Tell yourself, "Oh, that's just the Child. No big deal. For a minute there, I thought I wanted to eat something, but it was just what the Child wanted. She wanted to distract me. Thank goodness it's just the Child and not me."

Powerful Kung Fu #8: See the Whole Picture of Food

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!
2. Remember the whole picture of food. The pleasure of eating a particular food is so short-lived! Imagine how bad you will feel if you overeat.
   
   

Powerful Kung Fu #9: Put Your Attention on Something Else

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!
2. Do or think about something else. Read a book. Talk to someone. Take a walk. Do a crossword puzzle. Finish the laundry. Drive somewhere. Turn on the television. Listen to music. Meditate. Focus on your senses. What are you feeling, seeing, smelling, or hearing? Almost any distraction will do. Make a list of noneating activities you find engaging and nurturing so that when a craving strikes, you're ready for it.
3. Don't give your attention to ego-based thoughts (especially negative ones), thoughts that are about "me" or "my story" or that start with "I," such as "I like, I want, I don't want, I hope, I don't like, I feel, I think, I believe, I can't, I won't, I'm not, I did..." This involvement with the "me" is what gave you the craving crazies in the first place.

Powerful Kung Fu #10: Get Engaged in What You're Doing

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!
2. Become engaged and focus completely on whatever you're doing now, whether it's work, running an errand, vacuuming, finishing a good book, or making a call. When you're really absorbed in something, you can go for hours without a single thought about food.
   
   
   When you read these kung fu's you think to yourself, they sound easy why dont i already do that, but the pull towards food for me is far too easy!! However knowing your weakness allows you to strengthen from within
   
   

Day 12 - The first 5 Kung fu's for cravings and emotional eating

The First Five Kung Fu for Cravings and Emotional Eating

So todays challenge is about Cravings and emotional eating which, is for me the main thing behind my eating

Here are the kung fu steps that laura suggests

Powerful Kung Fu #1: Dis-identify with the Feeling

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!

2. Ask yourself, "What am I feeling right now?" Wait for the answer.

3. When the answer comes, ask yourself, "What is noticing [the particular feeling you are feeling]?" Fill in the blank with whatever feeling is present. Let's say agitation is present. Ask yourself, "What is noticing agitation?" This question helps you dis-identify with the feeling.

Or

Say to yourself,"It's just [the particular feeling]. What a relief. It's not me. It couldn't be me because I'm over here, noticing it." It's such a huge relief to realize that the feeling is not you! Normally we merge with negative feelings and assume they're our feelings, but they belong to the ego, not to us--not to who we really are. When we identify with the feeling, we have little power or objectivity. But when we notice a feeling, we're outside of it, aligned with the Wise Witness. In my experience, this kung fu cuts the power of the feeling in half immediately.

Powerful Kung Fu #2: Allow the Feeling to Be There

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!

2. Drop your story about the feeling and simply allow it to be there. Notice the sensation. What does it feel like in your body? Allow the feeling to be there without any agenda for it to dissipate. Accepting it and allowing it to be present will enable it to eventually dissolve. Emotions don't come to stay; they come to leave. If you can learn to stop feeding them with more negative thoughts, they dissolve more quickly. The best internal posture is simply to be present and allow whatever is happening in the moment, without adding more negative thoughts to it. Ask yourself, "Can I just allow [the particular feeling] to be here?"

Powerful Kung Fu #3: Identify the Need

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!

2. Ask yourself, "What am I needing right now that is causing me to want some pleasure?"

3. If the answer is appreciation, comfort, or understanding, in your imagination, give yourself what you need--a hug or words of consolation or praise.

4. Alternatively, ask yourself, "Is there something else here that's whole and complete and doesn't need anything?" This will help you see the real you, the you that doesn't actually need what you may think you need.

Powerful Kung Fu #4: Is There Something I Need to Address?

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!

2. Ask yourself, "Is there something I need to address inside myself, with another person, or in my life?" Get curious about what that could be and be prepared for insights to arise. Then, take action to address any disharmonies or imbalances.

Powerful Kung Fu #5: Dis-identify with the Troublesome Food Thought

1. Notice that a craving is on the scene and get yourself the heck out of the kitchen!

2. Ask yourself, "What is it that is aware of the thought 'I want food right now'?"

3. Next, ask, "Is that thought or impulse to eat really me? If I am aware of it, how can it be me?" Once you realize that this thought is not you, you automatically dis-identify with it, and it loses its power.

   
   

   Currently I think all of these have a part in my life but i will start with 4 and 5, get the heck out the kitchen and blimey what are you doing!!

day 11 - The pleasure scale

again too sick to post but I am trying to get back on track, if you noticed earlier (maybe post 1) I said I eat rubbish food when i am sick with a sore throat so boom, I have a sore throat and yesterday i weakened and had some food to try and make me feel better,

today i am more controlled and better at resisting, still very poorly sick, but choosing small portions of Mcdonalds at lunch as husband was cooking and I needed food for my pills, and soup for dinner, no snacks in between - thats good!!

Here are a list of my "nines and tens - favourite things that I rate highly!!

My List of Nines or Tens

1. exercising (especially at the end of class)

2. Spending time with my husband and son

3. learning new things

4. spending time with my best friend Gilli

5. Seeing my parents smile!

6. Helping my son with a project and seeing his smiling face

7. Hiking in the hills beside my house

8. tucking into a cheeseburger and fries

9. eating a whole bag of salt and vinegar crisps with no one taking any!!

10. watching the food channel and finding new recipies

11. cooking

12. Entertaining, I love to make people happy

13. working as a nurse

14. OK - I admit it, cuddling in bed with husband and sleeping

15. singing my heart out in front of the mirror

16. Laughing

17. talking on the phone with my special friends in the UK

18. watching my son, enjoy his grandparents

19. relaxing in the garden (and soon in our hot tub)

    See lots of things there and not all of them involve food, but the most important ones are there and those are the ones i need to deal with and rid myself of the demon!!

Day 10 - seeing the whole food picture

So I have been too sick to post so i am actually doing this retroactively!

So day 10 was talking about the consequences of eating nutritious food!

Consequences of Eating Nutritious Food

Positive Consequences	Negative Consequences
Gives you more energy	I admit I dread "healthy food sometimes"
makes you feel good after you eat	sometimes I still feel hungry after
I set a good example for my son	I hate choosing healthy over french fries and burgers (yes I obsess)
healthier body
lighter and easier to exercise
hate to admit it but loose the taste for fast food if i dont have it

Wow this list does shock me, cant find many negatives except the ones that make me look greedy for fast food!!

This shows me there is no reason to eat unhealthily and that doesnt just mean eat salad the rest of my life!!